Wanted

Hot diggitty, that’s the stuff! Just what I’m looking for after a week of selling my soul for a paycheque. A little bit Fight Club, a little bit The Matrix, with some Office Space thrown in much to my delight. It’s impossible and cathartic and improbable and funny (although one of the jokes is specifically on an unsuspecting rat, which I am just unable to condone). I warn you, however, that I have a high tolerance for violence, especially stylized violence like in this movie, so take that into account when you consider my recommendation. Even I found it brutal at times and couldn’t say the close-ups of bullets breaking through people’s foreheads were my favourite bits. But did I mention it was cathartic? It was my kind of fun. Verdict: First Run Theatre

(I just cannot stress enough, however, how wholly and vehemently I disapprove of how he chooses to gain entry to the bad guys’ lair at the end. Not cool, man. Just not cool.)

Sex and The City

Hey, I liked this more than I thought I would! And it was the last movie I can remember where I was surrounded by chicks in the theatre. I'm not a chick movie type of gal, I don't go to chick movies, chick movies hold no interest for me. But this chick movie was up my alley.

I liked the tv show quite a bit, but the finale was such a piece of unfunny downer crap that I assumed the movie would take up the reins of depression. Instead, it was quite enjoyable and laugh out loud funny in parts. At 2.5 hours, though, it could have used some more editing. It moved well up until about the middle, at which point Carrie just kind of sat down and watched the world go by for probably half an hour. Perhaps I wouldn't have minded as much if it wasn't for the fact that she was 12 feet tall with a head the size of a grapefruit and forearms like tree trunks. My friends and I got to the theatre after the previews had already started, and the place was packed (totally surprised me!). The only seats left were in the very front row, so we had to kind of lay back to look up and see the screen. If the action spanned the width of the screen, we were kind of s.o.l. So quite enjoying the movie even though it took my neck 30 minutes to "uncrick" afterwards really speaks well of its entertainment factor, don't you think? (FYI, if you're wondering do you have to have seen the tv show to appreciate the movie: I regularly watched the tv show, one of my friends had seen it occassionally, the third saw a few episdoes and my fourth friend had never seen the show ... and we all very much liked the movie.) Verdict: Discount Theatre

The Happening

The less you know about movies like this before seeing them the better, so I shall not get into too much detail and spoil what little entertainment this movie may afford. Let me just say this: M. Night Shyamalan is the king of let-downs. It's like he has these quite original and admittedly intriguing ideas and maybe even a message and a half that he could probably slip past us in between the screams and the scares, and he knows how he wants to see about two-thirds of the movie go ... then he just figures no one will notice if he has no plan for the last third.

Remember in Signs, when Mel and Joaquin are trapped in the basement with adorable Abigail and asthmatic Rory and the aliens are upstairs and trying to get in through the coal chute and Joaquin says they have to turn out the flashlights to save the batteries so the foursome are sitting there in the dark and you're thinking "Aw, man, this is awesome and scary and how in the world are they going to get out this predicament!" Remember that? And then remember how they got out of it? The aliens left. Just left. For some reason aliens who can't stand water saw a planet that was composed of about 75% of the stuff and they thought what the hey, let's just land here anyway. Up until the moment they decided they shouldn't have, and then they just left. And don't say "Hey! One stayed!" Because big frickin whoop one stayed. MNS put the whole damn planet in jeopardy and then hoarked up a big ol' spit ball of deus ex machina to get them out of the jeopardy like we wouldn't even notice that's what he did.

The Happening is kind of like that. Except with truly flagrant video and unnaturally beefed up audio of absolutely disgusting acts of suicide. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

The Strangers

Up until maybe halfway through, I was really into this movie. It was just the right amount of creepy and disconcerting, and it relied mainly on the scare quotient of the relatively mundane. A heavy knock on the door at 4 in the morning ... a seemingly innocent question in a small voice from a person whose face is hidden by shadow ... just being alone in a house unfamiliar to you. And when the horror part of the movie started in, the couple reacted quite rationally and as you would expect most anyone would act in that situation. But then it lost me. The couple started doing things that just made no sense. And not in a was-that-a-blood-curdling-scream-coming-from-the-basement?-I’ll-just-go-check-it-out-in-my-silky-negligee kind of way. More like an I-just-ran-into-the-bedroom-I-think-I’ll-go-back-out-to-the-front-room-to-see-why-the-killer-didn’t-follow-me nonsense. And the killers started making no sense. Like not following people into bedrooms. Sure, maybe you’ll say because it’s more torturous for the couple that way, always wondering why and what next. But then why do the killers sneak up behind the couple, then disappear before the couple knew anyone was behind them? So the audience could be freaked out? Sure, it freaks us out. But the killers aren’t supposed to know an audience is watching right? So I renew my “why?” Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

Summer's Near and Viewing is Easy

So, after a glut of months that have passed me by with nary a notice, I am rubbing my hands together in anticipatory glee.

Summer movies! Crashes and explosions and fight sequences and hot guys/cool chicks with guns, and a dash of animation and musicals to round out the day.

Watch this space for the following likely reviews from yours truly (in order of release):

The Strangers (I'm in an odd horror-movie mood lately. This should fit nicely)
You Don't Mess with the Zohan (probably, but I make no promises)
The Happening (I'll give M.N.S. another shot ... but his movies hit or miss with me)
The Incredible Hulk (intrigued by the presence of Edward)
Get Smart (more probably than Zohan, but we'll see)
WALL*E (should be cute)
Hancock (this is looking like a good contender for a summer fun day)
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (you got a problem with that? Hellboy was funny!)
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D (mmm. Sweaty Brendan Fraser.)
The Dark Knight (have to hit all the blockbusters, or what kind of reviewer would I be)
Mamma Mia! (wouldn't be on this list if it weren't for Meryl. Again, though, may be at the lower end of the list, so I'll get to it when I get to it)
The X-Files: I Want to Believe (always fall back on the classics)
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (now my hope to satisfy my Indiana Jones cravings since Indiana Jones didn't do it for me)
Tropic Thunder (I have high hopes for humour here)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The credits rolled and I thought “I’m … not sure.” What part of me was left ambivalent by the movie, and what part of me just has an over-inflated memory of the thrill rides the first three had been?

Okay, expecting a thrill ride this time was unrealistic. (But come on, most of that truck chase through the jungle really was so slow. I wanted to tell them to throw caution to the wind and the truck into second. Indy can still drive fast, can’t he?) Even accounting for the age of the principals (Shia notwithstanding – and might I add, as soon as I heard Shia’s character was in the movie with Harrison I knew someone was just hoping they’d be able to resurrect the Indy franchise through the next generation like Captain Kirk transitioned Star Trek movies into The Next Generation. Except the Star Trek:TNG thing worked for me, by the way. But I digress) – even if the principals can’t dodge and weave as once they did (though they were pretty solid on all those Mayan staircases) the movie itself could have had more action … and jeopardy … and humour man, humour is ageless and this movie just could have been – should have been – funnier. This is Indiana Jones after all.

The climax I won’t spoil, although you probably should be able to see it coming from quite far away (from as far away as the first time you saw a trailer and caught a glimpse of what they were after, frankly). And I’d suggest anyone under 30 rent some of Spielberg’s earlier non-Indy related work to see how he did very similar climaxes better, before he had this much disposable income (and technology) to blow on the spectacle at the expense of the show. (that being said: what was this climax doing in an Indy-related work?!) When characters on the screen aren’t doing much more than watching the spectacle with you, you can’t help but wonder what you as an audience add to the equation. Verdict: (*choke*) Discount Theatre

A Commercial Break

There is nothing in the theatres I want to see right now. I am waiting for another movie to come out that’s worth my cash, and then I can slip into “Iron Man” again afterwards. I’m rarely an illegal type of girl, but doing what I call a “two-fer” is an addiction of mine. I get the kind of rush that a kleptomaniac must feel. I have a group of girls I go see movies with from time to time, and one day I'm going to peer-pressure them into doing a two-fer with me. But I'm not sure they'll be cool enough to pull it off. You gotta be cool to pull a two-fer.

I digress. Lest you forget about me, I feel I must give you something until a worthy movie emerges.

So, here are some of my favourite commercials at the moment:

First, I share with you Orkin’s “Broken Down.” I could tell you what it’s about, but then if you haven’t seen it yet, that would spoil the whole thing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31M0j96uYPs

At first, I really despised the following commercial. But once I forced myself to watch it once, now it tickles my fancy each time. I present to you: Koodo’s “Mobile Diet Plan”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUNT-kHS-wo

And here is an older one, but what I still think is unparalleled in originality and concept. I offer it most especially for my brother, sister-in-law and niece, in case they haven’t seen it yet. Without further ado, EDS’ “Cat Wranglers”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgH4h4KMoGk

IronMan

Hee hee! Now that was fun! Funfunfunfunfun.

I have never heard of this comic book. I knew nothun' about nuthun'. And I'm really enjoying this trend of late where actually talented actors play superheros (I am perplexed and yet intrigued by the notion that Edward Norton is playing The Hulk.) It was like it wasn't even a superhero movie. Just kind of a ... far-fetched entertaining movie about a mega-millionaire who sees the evil of his ways and decides to make amends. With a computer-powered metal suit. It was funny and it was action and the CGI was not so laughably remedial that you get pulled out of the comic book world, which you were gamely willing to suspend disbelief for, with an gutteral "Oh, come ON!" (spiderman 1 , anyone? yeah the guy's supposed to be super limber, but he still does have an attached spine you know? human's do not bend backwards like that even if they are swinging through downtown on webs shot from their wrists) And Robert Downey Jr. was remarkably attractive and compelling and macho and self-deprecating.

Yes, there were a number of things that didn't really make sense even within the logic established by the plot (just how long can someone live without his heart? it was his heart he was living without, near the end when he crawls back to his laboratory, right? I don't know) -- but it gleefully passed the watch test. Fun! Verdict: First Run Theatre

Top Ten Television Series (Series'? Serieses?)

Because you are probably beside yourself in anticipation, I present to you my Top Ten Television Picks of All Time:

1. M*A*S*H*
2. Law and Order
3. Murphy Brown
4. X-Files
5. House
6. Frasier
7. Star Trek: The Next Generation
8. WKRP in Cincinnati
9. Everybody Loves Raymond
10. Nip/Tuck

I think they are in order -- it's very hard to decide since I'm spanning a few decades with my choices. My decision to include a few of the older shows hinged on whether I continue to enjoy reruns - or if I would like to enjoy reruns if only someone would air them.

Yes. Yes, I think that is the list.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

I only ventured out into the snow and wind for approximately two blocks -- far enough to rent a movie to watch in the snuggly confines of my couch and burgandy afghan.

It would be unfair of me to speak to this movie in-depth. I fast-forwarded perhaps 97 percent of it. I would liken it to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly in so far as I think both movies were meant to be character studies -- and by that, I mean rather than anything happening, the camera studies the characters for minutes at a time. Can I see a wheel turning in Brad's head through his pupil? Could be. Could be. But I can't be sure, because I hit the fast-forward button on my dvd player at those moments.

I thought this was going to be a western, man -- with gun fights and moustache-twirling and horses kicking dust up in their wake. But there was just (near as I can tell) a whole bunch of Jesse James showing up at someone's front door or sitting at someone's kitchen table, ostensibly creating suspense as to whether or not Jesse was going to punch a hole in that someone's cranium with his six-shooter ... but then the fast-forward button got hit again somehow and I can't be sure if I missed all that much. Even so, the movie lasted maybe 6.5 minutes too long (and that was on 30x fast forward, so that makes it ... well, too long in real time). If I may leave you with a piece of practical advice: if you want to see this, make it sometime where you're in the mood to sit back and spend hours absorbing cinematic atmosphere. Or be sure your fast-forward button is in working order. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must.