Top Ten Television Series (Series'? Serieses?)

Because you are probably beside yourself in anticipation, I present to you my Top Ten Television Picks of All Time:

1. M*A*S*H*
2. Law and Order
3. Murphy Brown
4. X-Files
5. House
6. Frasier
7. Star Trek: The Next Generation
8. WKRP in Cincinnati
9. Everybody Loves Raymond
10. Nip/Tuck

I think they are in order -- it's very hard to decide since I'm spanning a few decades with my choices. My decision to include a few of the older shows hinged on whether I continue to enjoy reruns - or if I would like to enjoy reruns if only someone would air them.

Yes. Yes, I think that is the list.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

I only ventured out into the snow and wind for approximately two blocks -- far enough to rent a movie to watch in the snuggly confines of my couch and burgandy afghan.

It would be unfair of me to speak to this movie in-depth. I fast-forwarded perhaps 97 percent of it. I would liken it to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly in so far as I think both movies were meant to be character studies -- and by that, I mean rather than anything happening, the camera studies the characters for minutes at a time. Can I see a wheel turning in Brad's head through his pupil? Could be. Could be. But I can't be sure, because I hit the fast-forward button on my dvd player at those moments.

I thought this was going to be a western, man -- with gun fights and moustache-twirling and horses kicking dust up in their wake. But there was just (near as I can tell) a whole bunch of Jesse James showing up at someone's front door or sitting at someone's kitchen table, ostensibly creating suspense as to whether or not Jesse was going to punch a hole in that someone's cranium with his six-shooter ... but then the fast-forward button got hit again somehow and I can't be sure if I missed all that much. Even so, the movie lasted maybe 6.5 minutes too long (and that was on 30x fast forward, so that makes it ... well, too long in real time). If I may leave you with a piece of practical advice: if you want to see this, make it sometime where you're in the mood to sit back and spend hours absorbing cinematic atmosphere. Or be sure your fast-forward button is in working order. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must.

Street Kings

You know what I hate? One-trick ponies who put on multiple-shows. If you have only one trick, then good for you. Many have none. Be proud. But don’t pretend you have more than one. James Ellroy, who wrote this movie, also wrote L.A. Confidential and Dark Blue. I liked L.A. Confidential very much. I also kinda liked Dark Blue (Kurt Russell and Scott Speedman? Likable). But it wasn’t until I saw Street Kings that I found out James had written all three. And I liked Dark Blue less for that. And I believe I shall relegate Street Kings to the same fate. Completely and wholly on its own, its okay. I like Keanu. I don’t claim the man is a dazzling thespian, but he is what he is and that, I like. But when you start realizing that Street Kings is kinda like L.A. Confidential without the killer (no pun intended) mis en scene and charismatic performances – and then you remember the same guy wrote it? You start to feel kinda suckered. And by you I mean me. Like I said, it’s okay. But I’ve seen it before. And James knows it. Verdict: Movie Rental if you must.

The Ruins

(this was kind of a last minute, I'm already in the vicinity of the theatre so let's see what's on right about now, movie viewing)

I found myself appreciating the horror of this movie's situation. I am intrigued by movies that try to depict what completely average people do in extraordinarily unforeseen situations. What would you do if you and three friends were basically just waiting to die, not knowing if what will finally do you in is going to be the lack of food and water, the villagers or “the ruins”? At what point would you stop holding onto the slim chance that someone is going to come looking for you and start making radical decisions that are just as likely to hasten your death? However, I’m making considerably more of this angle than the filmmakers did.

So what do you want to know? Was it scary? Parts of it. But more than that it was kind of creepy, which is good if that’s what you’re into. Was it gory? Sure and not so much. The gore is more contextual than exploitative, so the camera’s not going to fill the shot with the guy’s head that just got blown off. (I can’t speak to the -- well, I won’t tell you what scene ... but I plugged my ears, hummed to myself and closed my eyes. It was a personal choice, and I stand by it). I will say I found the end to be a particular letdown, though, because the movie had built up some suspense and I was interested to know how the characters were going to get out of this situation ... and then it lost its suspense, you knew exactly was going to happen and how, and boom it was done. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I saw the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie at that dispicable life-sucking movie 21. How could I have forgotten?!

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/indianajones.html?showVideo=1

The man may be almost as old as (I mean: within the same demographical range as) my dad, and living with a botox-lipped talentless stick figure (Harrison, not my dad), but you can't separate my girlish affections from Harrison Ford -- he's more than a mere mortal man, he's a manly man's man.

You know where I'll be May 22nd. But don't break into my home and steal my stuff, 'k? That would just be rude.

21

Holy craps, this. movie. drags. It knows it drags and it taunts you with its dragging – rather than edit out wholly irrelevant scenes, it chooses to just film these irrelevant scenes in ... slow ... motion. I checked my watch at 45 minutes and wondered if I was going to start caring about anything about this movie – character, plot, scenery – any time soon. (Answer: No.) After an hour, I starting thinking about the other movies playing in the theatre complex and wondered if any of them started around then so I could walk out of this movie and into another. Any other movie. If 10,000 monkeys sat at 10,000 typewriters for 10,000 years, they could not have produced a movie that was more bland, more action-less, more devoid of personality in actors or more of a waste of two hours of my life (yes! It is a full two hours of “beige. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”) that I will never get back. And did I mention that there's all this talk about facial recognition software so they have to wear disguises to fool the casinos ... and then they don't? Or the white characters do twice, but the Asian characters never do even once, even though security has figured out that the Asian chick is in cahoots with the white card counter. Somehow, though, that means the card counter has to fake his face and the white chick who hasn't been made yet has to be in disguise, but the Asian chick waltzes in san-disguise no worries? And it's the white disguised couple who is chased off, not the Asian chick they knew to look for? (I know. That's a plot hole, and you're saying "she said she doesn't care about plot holes" -- but what I actually said is I don't care about plot holes as long as I'm not checking my watch. And my watch got a work out in this movie) Okay, maybe Kevin Spacey was as delightful as ever. Rent the movie, and just fast forward every scene where you don't see Kevin. Then the movie will last maybe 15 to 20 minutes, and you can return it knowing you’ve experienced the only life this movie bothered to offer. Verdict: Secret Movie Rental (saved by Kevin Spacey from a Run Like the Wind verdict)