Quantum of Solace

Ah, James. I feel for you. You’re not in the 70’s anymore, so no one will let you be the womanizing Teflon-hearted killer you once were. And yet with a heart in your chest and a conscience in your soul, who does that make you? So you try to walk the line and be both.

Uh, no. Don’t do that. Because then you save one woman for no reason other than you found out someone wants her dead. Why is that a bad thing? You don’t know. You just assume. Maybe she napalmed an elementary school at naptime because she’d rather kill her own children than let her ex have them. You don’t know. But okay, fine, so James is now a knight in shining armour. We’ll go with that.

Oh, but no he isn’t after all, because now a woman wearing only a trench coat and high heels comes up to him in the airport (seriously, she’s supposed to be a consulate worker but it obviously doesn’t pay hardly anything because she can’t afford clothes even when she’s going out in public on official business) and he beds her quite instantaneously. And her name is Strawberry Fields.

Okay so you’re back to 70's James? Now we’re confused. And I mean really confused. I didn’t catch half of what was going on. Was the plot that convoluted, or did I just need subtitles to help me with their fast talking heavily accented explanations? (I was amused how the Canadian at the end thanks James for letting her live, though. Nice stereotypical touch.) Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

EIFF: The Miracle / Jonna's Body, Please Hold

These were two short movies that were shown together.

The Miracle is about a little-person recounting a "miracle" that happened when she and her mother fulfilled a life-long dream of visiting Lourdes. (I don't think what happened was well set-up to be a "miracle" ... it was a bit more of an "obvious" ... but potayto potahto) I believe it is based on the actress's own life. I really liked the fanciful storytelling in this movie, especially how the actress played herself from age 5 to 48 (she's a youthful-looking woman, and frankly makes herself positively adorable in high pigtails as a 5 year old). At times, it was a bit surreal and goofy for my tastes, but there is no getting around how watchable and endearing this actress is.

Jonna's Body, Please Hold is a story told primarily from the point of view of the inner workings of a woman's body -- I believe all bodypart characters are played by the same actress. I think I was expecting something like a live action Osmosis Jones. What I got was a lengthy (even though it was short film) inside look on what happens when a body is fighting cancer. It was like those Archie comics I bought on one vacation when I was a kid that turned out to be Christian-message Archie comics. Nothing bad, just not what I thought I was buying into -- and a bit more preachy than I was looking for.

EIFF: Dakota Skye

Okay so my favourite moment was when a guy asked at the Q&A after the screening "Could you discuss the meaning of the movie's title?" After a brief pause to no doubt confirm he had heard the question correctly, the director replied quite congenially "It is the main character's name. Dakota Skye. So we named the movie 'Dakota Skye'." If the director had added an eye-roll or a "Duh.", it would have made my year (I hate most of the self-absorbed, pretentious fops who ask questions during festival's Q&A sessions. Most of them care less about learning something about the movie, its process or the cast/crew's experience, and are just attempting to come across as more informed or insightful than they really are)

Oh, the movie, though. Yeah, cool premise. A teen has the superhero power of seeing the truth in anything anyone says ... and then she meets a guy who either never lies or can thwart her innate gifts. But which is it? Well, who cares. I liked the idea, and there wasn't anything all that wrong with the movie -- its just the girl was just so gosh darn unlikable. She acted unlikable, and spoke unlikably, and even her narration was unlikable. And for someone who says she's yearning to find an honest person, she's actually more dishonest than anyone in her life (including the fact that she's the one cheating in her relationship). We see the subtitles of truth whenever someone lies -- but if we saw her truth subtitles the movie would be 23 minutes longer. So it isn't that I can't go along with an unlikable liar for the duration of a movie, it's that I don't think this character was supposed to come across as an unlikable liar. And if she was ... well then her superpower was actually ironic hypocrisy.

EIFF: One Week

This is billed as a "love letter to Canada" ... which could be truer if Quebec, Yukon, NWT and the Maritime provinces weren't a part of Canada. I guess we should just rejoice in the baby steps of filmmakers recalling that it includes more than just Toronto.

Any hoots: guy gets diagnosed with cancer, guy buys motorcycle and guy motors from Toronto to Vancouver. It was quirky and it was amusing and it wasn't really anything more than you would expect of a cancer guy motorbiking it cross-country. We do have a pretty pretty country though man. Well, the half of it that was included in "the letter", at any rate.

(Can I just say, though, if you don't want to pull us out of the "the moment", don't put a guy who starred in a Disney movie about a kids hockey team on the ice with a player from the NHL team that was named after same Disney movie. The Disney Mighty Duck and an NHL Mighty Duck should not be seen together except above the caption "Stupidest Inspiration for NHL team name" ... and changing the team name to just Ducks doesn't negate that stupidity)

EIFF: Let the Right One In

This is a Swedish movie. That is relevant only because my perception may be coloured by the fact that I don’t see a lot of Swedish movies. Or German, French, Icelandic or Bulgarian movies. I don’t see a lot of foreign movies. So maybe it’s just a matter of my not having similar movies against which to compare this one in tone and delivery. It was interesting. It was original. It was characters watching walls or windows or their own fingers a lot. The main characters, two 12 year olds, were very watchable and compelling. One was a vampire. But in a kind of accepted, understated, life is a Swedish movie kind of way. I spoke to two other people who just adored this movie, its pace and its off-kilter premise. So what do I know?

EIFF: Midnight Meat Train

(This wins my award for hands down best name of a movie at the festival) One of the most horrifically gory movie I’ve ever averted my eyes from, and yet one of my favourites of this year’s festival. The gore never snuck up on me, so I was able to take off my glasses and look to the corner of the theatre so I could still see the fuzzy gist of the action in my periphery without directly exposing my mind to the image. (I’m pretty sure at one point someone got hit so hard in the back of the head that his right eye popped out of his head. Ick!) The rest of the movie was amazingly worth it, though. Interesting, suspenseful and off-centre enough to make it stand heads, shoulders and popped out eyes above the usual unimaginative horror fare.

EIFF: Rachel Getting Married

I think this was an American movie trying to be a Swedish movie. Again, a solid festival favourite: damaged girl returns home for a sibling’s wedding and becomes the catalyst for all the damage of the family at large to come dripping out. This one, however, chose poignant, emotionally charged scenes interspersed with overly long and pointless scenes that made me wonder if the actors themselves even forgot (if they ever knew) how the scene related to anything. The most blatant of which included a five minute dishwasher loading scene – within which the dishwasher is loaded, unloaded, and loaded again immediately – that was capped off by the completely uninspired, tactless choice of dropping the elephant into the room in the most common and unskilled way possible. (Really ruined the movie for me that such a heavy handed rookie first-draft device would survive subsequent drafts and find itself in the final cut edit of the movie) There was such a limitless possibility to this story, and the emotional journey of the main character in particular, to explore how a person or family can survive this tragedy intact, but all this movie did was introduce us to the drama, then walk away from it barely examined.

EIFF: Wherever You Are (Retitled Lifelines)

Ah, the old festival standby: a character study of what is eroding a middle-class family. I could tell you what is creating the erosion in this particular case, but part of the draw of the movie is that its questions and answers unfold as you watch. Although there aren’t many answers. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I realized that the movie very discreetly changed the audience’s perceptions of the characters. Near the end you realize you have begun disliking the characters you had original sympathy for, and began to feel for the characters you earlier dismissed as callous and self-involved. Well done and understated. And, in theory, I appreciated the realism of the movie in that it doesn’t tie up the loose ends just because issues have been identified. On the other hand, the movie does just end. In the middle of a close up, it fades to black and credits roll. Leaving the resolution to the audience’s interpretation is one thing ... but I do prefer my movies to actually finish telling the story before asking me to decide for myself where the characters go from here.

EIFF: [REC]

Hold me, I’m scared. I can’t remember the last movie I watched crouched down in between the theatre seats ahead of me, my hands clasped on either side of my face with my mouth in permanent silent scream position. (Gore quotient = low. Scare factor = high. Disquieting level = holy crap) Part of me wants to see the remake “Quarantine” that is coming out in a few weeks because this was just that good that I’m curious to see it from another angle, but the rest of me wouldn’t want to ruin my experience with this movie by seeing a low-rent polished-up interpretation. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it – and this movie ain’t broke. The creep factor is raised by this movie being Spanish with English subtitles – people screaming in a language I don’t understand adds to the atmosphere that the characters are in a situation they have no explanation for. If you can find it in a theatre near you, I’d say Go Now. I just don’t see how playing it on your tv set can be an adequate substitution. (unless you’re like my brother, who has a dvd system that projects movies onto a screen the size of a billboard – only my brother and people of his ilk may watch this movie in his own home.)

EIFF: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

What I adore most about Kevin Smith movies is the dialogue. His characters fling such witty and insightful banter back and forth it’s like Wimbledon for intellectuals with funny bones. So I was saddened by the inclusion of so many “f*cks” and permutations thereof in this movie because I have always subscribed to the belief that expletives are the simplest fall-back position for people too lazy to access adequate vocabularies. (doesn’t stop me from using expletives – which is exactly how I know their use is symptomatic of not bothering to try to express oneself more articulately) But once I mourned that, I found this to be a really original, funny movie. If you can’t figure it out, Zack and Miri make a porno. To make money to pay rent, if you care. It’s a blue romantic comedy. Zack gets Miri, Zack loses Miri, Zack gets Miri back. I didn’t really ruin the movie for you, because once it gets into the romantic arena, it is paint by numbers (another disappointment). But it’s relatively easy to push from your mind that a handful of scenes regarding Zack and Miri’s burgeoning relationship are uninspired and barely qualify as dramatic effort, and just enjoy the majority of the show.

EIFF: Repo The Genetic Opera

A last minute decision, I think I’m glad I saw this.

It was so wholly and completely not what I would ever have seen if I didn’t have what amounted to a free-pass to it, and was already in the theatre within minutes of the film starting so all I really had to do was sit back down. (Obviously it was well-anticipated by someone: A bunch of goth, tattooed, facial-ringed, black nailpolished creepy someones who I made sure to beat to the parking lot after the movie so I could be safely on the road in my locked car before they slithered by. That said, that is what I like about EIFF: seeing new movies, out of my comfort range movies, opening my horizons movies and just pure luck of the draw movies.)

In a nutshell, the movie is set in a future where people’s organs have been failing, so a megacorporation clues into financing new organs for people; if you fall behind on your payments, however, your organs are repossessed. And it’s a “goth opera”. Anthony Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Paul Sorvino (Law and Order), Sarah Brightman (no television series to plug here) and Alexa Vega (shockingly, the sister from the Spy Kids movies ... didn’t recognize her ... wow, did I like her here) play pivotal roles. I enjoyed the music, and the actors named here really sold their performances. (if you’re wondering, as long as Paris Hilton wasn’t lipsynching to someone else’s voice, I’d say she’s adequate here. I noticed she wasn’t ever expected to sing with any of the “heavyweights” in the movie, though, which was probably a purposeful choice). It was kind of a gory, darker, creepier, gothic novel inspired Rocky Horror Picture Show. I can definitely see midnight showings of this movie on college campuses (and squares like me rushing to their cars to burn rubber afterwards).

EIFF: Pontypool

This was such an original pleasure to watch, really. A funny, scary pleasure that lost me when it got a bit cerebral near the end, but a pleasure. A town falls victim to ... something. Doesn’t it? Set solely in a radio station slash church basement, we only hear what’s going on. We don’t get to see it. And aren’t our imaginations so much more horror-susceptible than anything a filmmaker can create through angles, makeup and lighting? The “reveal” of the how and why the town is now zombie-fied is where I started slipping away, and the explanation of how to reverse the effects – indeed, whether it’s able to be reversed – is similarly implied rather than confirmed. At least I think it is. At the Q&A after the movie, I wanted to ask the director “Uh ... what just ... uh ... huh?” But that seemed rude. Still, it really got me, so that's a thumbs up in my book.

Edmonton International Film Festival (EIFF)

Have all-access pass, will sit in dark theatres all week. Because these will be festival movies, I’m not going to use my usual rating system.

Edit: I was going to give a new rating system -- but I've decided against it. The point of festivals is to see movies you may not have access to, or to see movies you may not otherwise see, in the company of other movie lovers -- who, might I add, will not talk throughout the movie, kick the back of your chair incessantly, or arrive in the middle of the movie and disturb you trying to get to their seats. These moviegoers respect the movie experience as much as the movie. A pleasure. Really.

Watch this space for news of Secret deodorant chick's obituary

Allow me to digress from my usual movie reviews and turn your attention to the small screen:

I feel the need to confess now and avoid the rush: if I ever come across that actress from the new Secret deodorant commercials on the street, I'm going to shove her innocent and fresh armpits up her own poopchute and pull them out her nostrils. Others may be tempted to blame the company, or the creators of the commercial, but what pushes me over the homocidal edge is that vapid airhead waste of oxygen's "performance." You gotta be some kind of poster chick for mental limitations to get your single digit I.Q. to come across when you're a brunette. Bitch? Easy for brunettes. Wind whistling through your cranial space from one ear to the next under a dark shade of hair? Your brain stem must be exhausted from just keeping your bodily functions online day in day out.

The House Bunny

I saw this immediately after seeing "Traitor". Odd choice perhaps ... but I enjoyed this. It was exactly what you would think it would be, and Anna Faris is just clueless enough to still come off genuine and sincere. It probably helped that she was not the butt of every joke. I mean, sure it was far-fetched and superficial -- but aren't all these kind of movies? As if frat boy movies are indicative of realistic student life on campus, or progressive in their portrayal of boy-girl relationships. I enjoyed seeing this kind of fluff from a chick point of view. Verdict: Movie Rental (if you're into this frat-girl kinda thing)

Traitor

I hadn't heard much about this movie, so I'm guessing you may not have either. And that is just wrong. This is a wonderful espionage/thriller without the venomously blatant anti-Muslim sentiment that is so very popular -- and blanketly destructive -- these days.

[When I was a child, I wanted very much to visit the USSR because I just would not believe the popular contention that an entire country's (or consortium of countries') citizens could be bloodthirstily evil, down to their last baby. I saw on old Jimmy Stewart movie once where government agents "correctly" identified a communist because "he didn't attend church on Sunday." I wasn't going to believe in this unilateral evil until I saw it for myself. I wasn't willing to blindly tow such an ethnocentric line, and hate people I knew little about and never met. Especially because those who were asserting that I should hate all of USSR's citizens because they hate all of us were wholly and completely oblivious to the hypocrisy of that statement. Not exactly the type of people who I would take at their word.]

Muslims are the new Communists -- I know that's not news to any of you -- and as such they are a popular short-cut for movie makers who wish to have an instantly recognizable and feared enemy to oppose their protagonists (The Kingdom, anyone?). But this movie takes the instantly recognizable and exposes the folly of our assumption of what we actually think we are recognizing here. I hope people see this movie and really hear what it is saying. [If the chicken-littles of the world crying that Muslims will bring the sky down actually crunched the numbers, they'd probably have to conclude that the Crusades, Spanish Inquisition and Salem witch hunts -- just to name a few of Christianity's biggest hits -- have killed more innocent people in the name of their God than Muslims have to date. We've "forgiven" Christians this transgression, however, by accepting that those who were responsible for such atrocities were extremists warping their religion's doctrine to their own fanatical whims. A case of withholding from the goose what we've offered to the gander, perhaps? But then, as the old joke goes, "statistics can be manipulated to prove any point the researchers wish: 67 percent of people know that". And, hypocrites rarely let technicalities like proof and logic get in the way of their hystrionics.]

But I digress on my own fanatical whims. As a movie, this one was compelling. Characters you care about. Escalating action and stakes. Drama, conflict, subterfuge, regrets, passion and sacrifice. See it and open your eyes, or just see it and enjoy your eyes. Verdict: First Run Theatre. Go Now!

Tropic Thunder

Have you ever met up with an old high school buddy, but after five minutes of conversation you think to yourself "Geez, way to not grow up, guy." He's still telling the same adolescent jokes, and talks about his boss in the same juvenile way you two used to talk about a despised grade 10 teacher, and he asks what you're doing Friday night because he's going to do an all-nighter at the bar and wouldn't it be fun to relive the good ol' days ... except you're pretty sure he's relived them every Friday and Saturday night so the concept is actually good and old. It's painful and it's pitiful, and you just want to tell the guy not necessarily act his age -- because who's to say how that age is supposed to act -- but to at least give evolving a shot.

Watching Ben Stiller strikes me as that painful and pitiful. I used to think he was funny ... but I also used to pass out on the floor of 2nd Henday after a unit party because it was just less hassle than finding my way to my feet and going to my residence room. Ironically, how he has directed his actors and the script he gave them painfully illustrates just how pitiful Stiller has become. This is a funny movie. Stupid adolescent gore, sure. Kind of ridiculous premise, okay. But what the previews don't tell you is that not all the characters in this movie think they are still filming a movie in the jungle. (In fact, the moment the actors are given the first clue that they are in over their head is probably the most hilarious moment of the whole movie, because they all play it so very straight and shocked it is a brilliant moment of understatement.) Only Stiller's character is so vapid and clueless to believe the movie is still being shot -- and I submit it is because only Stiller is so vapid and clueless to think that would be funny. The other characters (and I submit, actors) are just not that dumb. And that's the case for this whole movie. Lift Stiller out, and this movie is a keeper. Mercifully, Stiller's character leaves the other characters maybe a third or half way through the movie, so you can enjoy really good scenes with the other characters interacting without having to suffer Stiller. When the story switches back to Stiller, you just wait it out patiently ... you will be rewarded when the story returns to ANY other characters and subplots. Every one except the one with Stiller is entertaining. I have to give him credit for the script he created and direction he gave ... I just wish he didn't have an acting credit here.

(oh, and there's lots of buzz about Tom Cruise's cameo in this movie. big whoop. the guy plays a nut job. where's the stretch?) Verdict: Discount Theatre.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Hmm ... I just didn’t like it as much as the first. It was okay. Really kind of amused itself with its own creature creations. I guess that’s cuz it was directed by the same guy who did Pan’s Labrynth (never saw it. Anything that is going to have a creature that has its eyes in the palm of its hands – literally – is not my cup o’ tea). And the battle against impossible odds part at the end really kind of overlooked the fact that all Hellboy had to do in the first place was challenge the albino bad guy’s claim to The Golden Army. And I usually just do not bother to catch things like that – so if I noticed, you know it was obvious. Verdict: Movie Rental If You Must

Journey to the Centre of the Earth 3D

Was this supposed to be a kid’s movie? I think this was supposed to be a kid's movie. Kind of light fluffy popcorn fare in 3D. I found the 3D so-so. Maybe they didn’t work all that well over my regular glasses. Maybe 3D isn’t what it once was. But I’d say it was fun. And really probably more of a kid’s movie. (But sweaty Brendan was quite adult-appreciated). Verdict: Discount Theatre

Mamma Mia!

When I was maybe 10, my best friend and I used to divvy up the songs on ABBA’s Voulez Vous album, taking turns singing the songs to the other, who was acting as the audience, in my best friend's front room. And of course, many hours of rollerskating in a figure-8 in my basement – or, even better, the rollerskating rink in Waterton!

This movie was full of the same kind of giddy childlike amusement. The movie is very goofy camp, and it was lots of fun to watch Meryl, Pierce, Colin and Stellan kick it up and just go with the goof. (Should I admit I actually cried when Meryl sang “The Winner Takes It All”? Probably not.) Unlike Ocean’s 12, which I believe was just made to amuse the stars with no thought or care whether what they made was actually a movie anyone but they would want to see, the stars of Mamma Mia were clearly out of their minds enjoying themselves AND trying to make sure we’re in on the joke. Be prepared to watch the credits. Great, great fun. Verdict: First Run Theatre

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Damn. I find myself on the same side as the professional reviewers on this one. A side I rarely wish to be on. I love Brendan Fraser. I really do. Part action hero, part comedian. I love this man. But I just don’t know – is he functionally illiterate? How could he not know that the things they had him doing and the dreck they had him saying was embarrassing? One reviewer said that Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh were wasted in this movie. Yeah. They so were. I just wanted to take a red pen to this script and hand it back to Mr. Fraser for his own good. But at least it tried to be original, unlike the second instalment. And it let go of that ridiculous “Evie is a reincarnated Egyptian princess” stuff. So I guess it tried. Good job on the trying. Bad job on the ... well, rest of it. (except showing Brendan Fraser with his shirt off. Excellent good job on that.) Verdict: (pains me to do this:) Secret Movie Rental

X-Files: I Want to Believe

A play on the movie's title is too easy. I won't debase myself so.

I’m not one to agree with professional reviewers – who seem too often to forget the point of movies is to entertain, not rival literary giants in depth, meaning and poignancy – but I must concede in this case. Not so much because I thought the movie as a movie was so very awful, but because as an X-Files movie it was so very disappointing. I really wonder why they chose to make this movie. I have no problem seeing why someone would wake up and say they want to make another X-Files movies, I just don’t know what would possess them to make this X-Files movie. I don’t think any of the actors need the money. Is Chris Carter hurting financially? I just don’t get it. It wasn’t X-File-y at all. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

The Dark Knight

Oh yeah ... yeah. Yeah, this was good.

Many may have been put off by what they assumed was hype over Heath Ledger’s performance – but you know what? He was good. Hype aversion is unwarranted here. Don’t let anything you’ve heard about “buzz” or “hype” or “Oscar” distract you from this movie. It’s a movie. Let it entertain you. If you’re not there to let it do its job, then don’t go. Someone else wants your seat. Stay home.

Do be aware, however, that this movie is somewhat of a departure from other Batmans. It’s darker. Even darker than Batman Begins. (and yet, at the same time, infinitely more pleasurable due to the absence of a certain dead-eyed automaton who you could see actually made Christian Bale’s face twitch out of frustration at not being able to smash her head in and get an actual actress for his scenes with her – thankfully his wish was granted for this instalment). There were a few bits that I didn’t look at, because I didn’t truly trust my eyes would be spared gore. Not lots, and not excessive, but a few. And it’s long. They wanted to give you a lot of information and a lot of plot and many developments, and they put it all in one package. But it’s a wonderful afternoon in a theatre and I truly could have returned for the next showing immediately after the one I was in, and I know I would have enjoyed it just as much all over again (but would still not look at the gory bits).

And I just love that when Batman hits someone it sounds like they’ve been struck by a wet tree trunk. Verdict: First Run Theatre - Go Now!

Hancock

I’ll give points to the filmmakers for offering a skewed view of superheroes in this movie. Aside from the funny gaffes you’ve seen in the previews, the film delves a bit into the psychological effects of being the only one of your kind on a planet – and how courageously saving the world isn’t necessarily adequate reward in itself when one thinks they’re different. (The conspicuous placement of references to Frankenstein were a bit heavy-handed though, people. He thinks he’s a monster. Yeah we get it. Would you also like to have a scene where he looks at the back of his hand, and then the back of Jason Bateman’s to reveal – shock of shocks – that he’s black?! ) But then the filmmakers try to make a whole new film, I believe, and that’s where they lost me. What was it you said he actually was? Why did you say his invincibility is waning? And how come, again, he’s invincible until you tell him he’s not – like in the cartoons where the coyote can stay airborne after he’s run off a cliff as long as he doesn’t look down? He’s been in LA all this time without incident … but as soon as he discovers the “what” that ultimately threatens his superhero-ness is in LA too, suddenly it’s a danger to him? I think this may not be what anyone expects it to be, and I’m not sure what to advise you to expect. So the best I can do is say if you want to go to the movie, do so without thinking you know what it will be. Then just see for yourself what it is. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

WALL*E

This was pretty much as cute as it looks. I wouldn't say it was as much an all-around cute-fest of, say, a Monster's Inc. or a Finding Nemo or an A Bug's Life or ... okay, most any of the Pixar movies that came before it -- largely perhaps because it didn't have the menagerie of characters to amuse and entertain us, thus fewer opportunities for adorable antics while exploring subplots -- but what you see is what you get. A lonely and industrious trash compactor finds love and follows her to the ends of the universe to win her over. There's one subplot that is so extremely slight it could probably be lost by many of the smaller movie-goers (and perhaps some of their parents), but the main plot holds your attention just fine. Verdict: Movie Rental

The Incredible Hulk

I saw this really hilarious spoof on some talk show where a short man who is painted green corners Edward Norton and starts crying when Edward won't interact with him -- the tagline: "The Incredible Hulk: This time it's emotional!"

That's pretty much what's going on here. Bruce Banner is already the Hulk and now in hiding as he tries to find a way to remove the hulkiness from his blood ... but of course he must go on the run when the bad guys track him down. Whereas the Eric Bana flick focussed on CGI temper tantrums at set intervals, I think the Hulk only comes out 3 or 4 times in this one. The rest of the time, a story is actually being told. (I know: scandalous) The "big fight" at the end is kind of thrown in there because the movie is, after all, probably intended to be geared more towards adolescent boys (and grown men who act like adolescents) -- but until then, it's actually a more interesting movie than you think. Verdict: Discount Theatre

Wanted

Hot diggitty, that’s the stuff! Just what I’m looking for after a week of selling my soul for a paycheque. A little bit Fight Club, a little bit The Matrix, with some Office Space thrown in much to my delight. It’s impossible and cathartic and improbable and funny (although one of the jokes is specifically on an unsuspecting rat, which I am just unable to condone). I warn you, however, that I have a high tolerance for violence, especially stylized violence like in this movie, so take that into account when you consider my recommendation. Even I found it brutal at times and couldn’t say the close-ups of bullets breaking through people’s foreheads were my favourite bits. But did I mention it was cathartic? It was my kind of fun. Verdict: First Run Theatre

(I just cannot stress enough, however, how wholly and vehemently I disapprove of how he chooses to gain entry to the bad guys’ lair at the end. Not cool, man. Just not cool.)

Sex and The City

Hey, I liked this more than I thought I would! And it was the last movie I can remember where I was surrounded by chicks in the theatre. I'm not a chick movie type of gal, I don't go to chick movies, chick movies hold no interest for me. But this chick movie was up my alley.

I liked the tv show quite a bit, but the finale was such a piece of unfunny downer crap that I assumed the movie would take up the reins of depression. Instead, it was quite enjoyable and laugh out loud funny in parts. At 2.5 hours, though, it could have used some more editing. It moved well up until about the middle, at which point Carrie just kind of sat down and watched the world go by for probably half an hour. Perhaps I wouldn't have minded as much if it wasn't for the fact that she was 12 feet tall with a head the size of a grapefruit and forearms like tree trunks. My friends and I got to the theatre after the previews had already started, and the place was packed (totally surprised me!). The only seats left were in the very front row, so we had to kind of lay back to look up and see the screen. If the action spanned the width of the screen, we were kind of s.o.l. So quite enjoying the movie even though it took my neck 30 minutes to "uncrick" afterwards really speaks well of its entertainment factor, don't you think? (FYI, if you're wondering do you have to have seen the tv show to appreciate the movie: I regularly watched the tv show, one of my friends had seen it occassionally, the third saw a few episdoes and my fourth friend had never seen the show ... and we all very much liked the movie.) Verdict: Discount Theatre

The Happening

The less you know about movies like this before seeing them the better, so I shall not get into too much detail and spoil what little entertainment this movie may afford. Let me just say this: M. Night Shyamalan is the king of let-downs. It's like he has these quite original and admittedly intriguing ideas and maybe even a message and a half that he could probably slip past us in between the screams and the scares, and he knows how he wants to see about two-thirds of the movie go ... then he just figures no one will notice if he has no plan for the last third.

Remember in Signs, when Mel and Joaquin are trapped in the basement with adorable Abigail and asthmatic Rory and the aliens are upstairs and trying to get in through the coal chute and Joaquin says they have to turn out the flashlights to save the batteries so the foursome are sitting there in the dark and you're thinking "Aw, man, this is awesome and scary and how in the world are they going to get out this predicament!" Remember that? And then remember how they got out of it? The aliens left. Just left. For some reason aliens who can't stand water saw a planet that was composed of about 75% of the stuff and they thought what the hey, let's just land here anyway. Up until the moment they decided they shouldn't have, and then they just left. And don't say "Hey! One stayed!" Because big frickin whoop one stayed. MNS put the whole damn planet in jeopardy and then hoarked up a big ol' spit ball of deus ex machina to get them out of the jeopardy like we wouldn't even notice that's what he did.

The Happening is kind of like that. Except with truly flagrant video and unnaturally beefed up audio of absolutely disgusting acts of suicide. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

The Strangers

Up until maybe halfway through, I was really into this movie. It was just the right amount of creepy and disconcerting, and it relied mainly on the scare quotient of the relatively mundane. A heavy knock on the door at 4 in the morning ... a seemingly innocent question in a small voice from a person whose face is hidden by shadow ... just being alone in a house unfamiliar to you. And when the horror part of the movie started in, the couple reacted quite rationally and as you would expect most anyone would act in that situation. But then it lost me. The couple started doing things that just made no sense. And not in a was-that-a-blood-curdling-scream-coming-from-the-basement?-I’ll-just-go-check-it-out-in-my-silky-negligee kind of way. More like an I-just-ran-into-the-bedroom-I-think-I’ll-go-back-out-to-the-front-room-to-see-why-the-killer-didn’t-follow-me nonsense. And the killers started making no sense. Like not following people into bedrooms. Sure, maybe you’ll say because it’s more torturous for the couple that way, always wondering why and what next. But then why do the killers sneak up behind the couple, then disappear before the couple knew anyone was behind them? So the audience could be freaked out? Sure, it freaks us out. But the killers aren’t supposed to know an audience is watching right? So I renew my “why?” Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

Summer's Near and Viewing is Easy

So, after a glut of months that have passed me by with nary a notice, I am rubbing my hands together in anticipatory glee.

Summer movies! Crashes and explosions and fight sequences and hot guys/cool chicks with guns, and a dash of animation and musicals to round out the day.

Watch this space for the following likely reviews from yours truly (in order of release):

The Strangers (I'm in an odd horror-movie mood lately. This should fit nicely)
You Don't Mess with the Zohan (probably, but I make no promises)
The Happening (I'll give M.N.S. another shot ... but his movies hit or miss with me)
The Incredible Hulk (intrigued by the presence of Edward)
Get Smart (more probably than Zohan, but we'll see)
WALL*E (should be cute)
Hancock (this is looking like a good contender for a summer fun day)
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (you got a problem with that? Hellboy was funny!)
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D (mmm. Sweaty Brendan Fraser.)
The Dark Knight (have to hit all the blockbusters, or what kind of reviewer would I be)
Mamma Mia! (wouldn't be on this list if it weren't for Meryl. Again, though, may be at the lower end of the list, so I'll get to it when I get to it)
The X-Files: I Want to Believe (always fall back on the classics)
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (now my hope to satisfy my Indiana Jones cravings since Indiana Jones didn't do it for me)
Tropic Thunder (I have high hopes for humour here)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The credits rolled and I thought “I’m … not sure.” What part of me was left ambivalent by the movie, and what part of me just has an over-inflated memory of the thrill rides the first three had been?

Okay, expecting a thrill ride this time was unrealistic. (But come on, most of that truck chase through the jungle really was so slow. I wanted to tell them to throw caution to the wind and the truck into second. Indy can still drive fast, can’t he?) Even accounting for the age of the principals (Shia notwithstanding – and might I add, as soon as I heard Shia’s character was in the movie with Harrison I knew someone was just hoping they’d be able to resurrect the Indy franchise through the next generation like Captain Kirk transitioned Star Trek movies into The Next Generation. Except the Star Trek:TNG thing worked for me, by the way. But I digress) – even if the principals can’t dodge and weave as once they did (though they were pretty solid on all those Mayan staircases) the movie itself could have had more action … and jeopardy … and humour man, humour is ageless and this movie just could have been – should have been – funnier. This is Indiana Jones after all.

The climax I won’t spoil, although you probably should be able to see it coming from quite far away (from as far away as the first time you saw a trailer and caught a glimpse of what they were after, frankly). And I’d suggest anyone under 30 rent some of Spielberg’s earlier non-Indy related work to see how he did very similar climaxes better, before he had this much disposable income (and technology) to blow on the spectacle at the expense of the show. (that being said: what was this climax doing in an Indy-related work?!) When characters on the screen aren’t doing much more than watching the spectacle with you, you can’t help but wonder what you as an audience add to the equation. Verdict: (*choke*) Discount Theatre

A Commercial Break

There is nothing in the theatres I want to see right now. I am waiting for another movie to come out that’s worth my cash, and then I can slip into “Iron Man” again afterwards. I’m rarely an illegal type of girl, but doing what I call a “two-fer” is an addiction of mine. I get the kind of rush that a kleptomaniac must feel. I have a group of girls I go see movies with from time to time, and one day I'm going to peer-pressure them into doing a two-fer with me. But I'm not sure they'll be cool enough to pull it off. You gotta be cool to pull a two-fer.

I digress. Lest you forget about me, I feel I must give you something until a worthy movie emerges.

So, here are some of my favourite commercials at the moment:

First, I share with you Orkin’s “Broken Down.” I could tell you what it’s about, but then if you haven’t seen it yet, that would spoil the whole thing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31M0j96uYPs

At first, I really despised the following commercial. But once I forced myself to watch it once, now it tickles my fancy each time. I present to you: Koodo’s “Mobile Diet Plan”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUNT-kHS-wo

And here is an older one, but what I still think is unparalleled in originality and concept. I offer it most especially for my brother, sister-in-law and niece, in case they haven’t seen it yet. Without further ado, EDS’ “Cat Wranglers”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgH4h4KMoGk

IronMan

Hee hee! Now that was fun! Funfunfunfunfun.

I have never heard of this comic book. I knew nothun' about nuthun'. And I'm really enjoying this trend of late where actually talented actors play superheros (I am perplexed and yet intrigued by the notion that Edward Norton is playing The Hulk.) It was like it wasn't even a superhero movie. Just kind of a ... far-fetched entertaining movie about a mega-millionaire who sees the evil of his ways and decides to make amends. With a computer-powered metal suit. It was funny and it was action and the CGI was not so laughably remedial that you get pulled out of the comic book world, which you were gamely willing to suspend disbelief for, with an gutteral "Oh, come ON!" (spiderman 1 , anyone? yeah the guy's supposed to be super limber, but he still does have an attached spine you know? human's do not bend backwards like that even if they are swinging through downtown on webs shot from their wrists) And Robert Downey Jr. was remarkably attractive and compelling and macho and self-deprecating.

Yes, there were a number of things that didn't really make sense even within the logic established by the plot (just how long can someone live without his heart? it was his heart he was living without, near the end when he crawls back to his laboratory, right? I don't know) -- but it gleefully passed the watch test. Fun! Verdict: First Run Theatre

Top Ten Television Series (Series'? Serieses?)

Because you are probably beside yourself in anticipation, I present to you my Top Ten Television Picks of All Time:

1. M*A*S*H*
2. Law and Order
3. Murphy Brown
4. X-Files
5. House
6. Frasier
7. Star Trek: The Next Generation
8. WKRP in Cincinnati
9. Everybody Loves Raymond
10. Nip/Tuck

I think they are in order -- it's very hard to decide since I'm spanning a few decades with my choices. My decision to include a few of the older shows hinged on whether I continue to enjoy reruns - or if I would like to enjoy reruns if only someone would air them.

Yes. Yes, I think that is the list.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

I only ventured out into the snow and wind for approximately two blocks -- far enough to rent a movie to watch in the snuggly confines of my couch and burgandy afghan.

It would be unfair of me to speak to this movie in-depth. I fast-forwarded perhaps 97 percent of it. I would liken it to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly in so far as I think both movies were meant to be character studies -- and by that, I mean rather than anything happening, the camera studies the characters for minutes at a time. Can I see a wheel turning in Brad's head through his pupil? Could be. Could be. But I can't be sure, because I hit the fast-forward button on my dvd player at those moments.

I thought this was going to be a western, man -- with gun fights and moustache-twirling and horses kicking dust up in their wake. But there was just (near as I can tell) a whole bunch of Jesse James showing up at someone's front door or sitting at someone's kitchen table, ostensibly creating suspense as to whether or not Jesse was going to punch a hole in that someone's cranium with his six-shooter ... but then the fast-forward button got hit again somehow and I can't be sure if I missed all that much. Even so, the movie lasted maybe 6.5 minutes too long (and that was on 30x fast forward, so that makes it ... well, too long in real time). If I may leave you with a piece of practical advice: if you want to see this, make it sometime where you're in the mood to sit back and spend hours absorbing cinematic atmosphere. Or be sure your fast-forward button is in working order. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must.

Street Kings

You know what I hate? One-trick ponies who put on multiple-shows. If you have only one trick, then good for you. Many have none. Be proud. But don’t pretend you have more than one. James Ellroy, who wrote this movie, also wrote L.A. Confidential and Dark Blue. I liked L.A. Confidential very much. I also kinda liked Dark Blue (Kurt Russell and Scott Speedman? Likable). But it wasn’t until I saw Street Kings that I found out James had written all three. And I liked Dark Blue less for that. And I believe I shall relegate Street Kings to the same fate. Completely and wholly on its own, its okay. I like Keanu. I don’t claim the man is a dazzling thespian, but he is what he is and that, I like. But when you start realizing that Street Kings is kinda like L.A. Confidential without the killer (no pun intended) mis en scene and charismatic performances – and then you remember the same guy wrote it? You start to feel kinda suckered. And by you I mean me. Like I said, it’s okay. But I’ve seen it before. And James knows it. Verdict: Movie Rental if you must.

The Ruins

(this was kind of a last minute, I'm already in the vicinity of the theatre so let's see what's on right about now, movie viewing)

I found myself appreciating the horror of this movie's situation. I am intrigued by movies that try to depict what completely average people do in extraordinarily unforeseen situations. What would you do if you and three friends were basically just waiting to die, not knowing if what will finally do you in is going to be the lack of food and water, the villagers or “the ruins”? At what point would you stop holding onto the slim chance that someone is going to come looking for you and start making radical decisions that are just as likely to hasten your death? However, I’m making considerably more of this angle than the filmmakers did.

So what do you want to know? Was it scary? Parts of it. But more than that it was kind of creepy, which is good if that’s what you’re into. Was it gory? Sure and not so much. The gore is more contextual than exploitative, so the camera’s not going to fill the shot with the guy’s head that just got blown off. (I can’t speak to the -- well, I won’t tell you what scene ... but I plugged my ears, hummed to myself and closed my eyes. It was a personal choice, and I stand by it). I will say I found the end to be a particular letdown, though, because the movie had built up some suspense and I was interested to know how the characters were going to get out of this situation ... and then it lost its suspense, you knew exactly was going to happen and how, and boom it was done. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I saw the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie at that dispicable life-sucking movie 21. How could I have forgotten?!

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/indianajones.html?showVideo=1

The man may be almost as old as (I mean: within the same demographical range as) my dad, and living with a botox-lipped talentless stick figure (Harrison, not my dad), but you can't separate my girlish affections from Harrison Ford -- he's more than a mere mortal man, he's a manly man's man.

You know where I'll be May 22nd. But don't break into my home and steal my stuff, 'k? That would just be rude.

21

Holy craps, this. movie. drags. It knows it drags and it taunts you with its dragging – rather than edit out wholly irrelevant scenes, it chooses to just film these irrelevant scenes in ... slow ... motion. I checked my watch at 45 minutes and wondered if I was going to start caring about anything about this movie – character, plot, scenery – any time soon. (Answer: No.) After an hour, I starting thinking about the other movies playing in the theatre complex and wondered if any of them started around then so I could walk out of this movie and into another. Any other movie. If 10,000 monkeys sat at 10,000 typewriters for 10,000 years, they could not have produced a movie that was more bland, more action-less, more devoid of personality in actors or more of a waste of two hours of my life (yes! It is a full two hours of “beige. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”) that I will never get back. And did I mention that there's all this talk about facial recognition software so they have to wear disguises to fool the casinos ... and then they don't? Or the white characters do twice, but the Asian characters never do even once, even though security has figured out that the Asian chick is in cahoots with the white card counter. Somehow, though, that means the card counter has to fake his face and the white chick who hasn't been made yet has to be in disguise, but the Asian chick waltzes in san-disguise no worries? And it's the white disguised couple who is chased off, not the Asian chick they knew to look for? (I know. That's a plot hole, and you're saying "she said she doesn't care about plot holes" -- but what I actually said is I don't care about plot holes as long as I'm not checking my watch. And my watch got a work out in this movie) Okay, maybe Kevin Spacey was as delightful as ever. Rent the movie, and just fast forward every scene where you don't see Kevin. Then the movie will last maybe 15 to 20 minutes, and you can return it knowing you’ve experienced the only life this movie bothered to offer. Verdict: Secret Movie Rental (saved by Kevin Spacey from a Run Like the Wind verdict)

In Bruges

Have you ever heard of this movie? Me neither. But when I saw it advertised in the paper starring Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes and Brendan Gleeson, I figured I’d give it my Saturday night.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780536/

This British/Belgian movie is basically about two hitmen who are told to hide out in a small Belgian town called Bruges after their last job, while they await further instructions from their boss. Sticking to your principles also factors strongly in the "plot", which unfolds at its own pace. Which is to say, slowly. Not knowing what the movie was about before sitting down, I started to assume it was just going to be a leisurely art-film about two hitmen juxtaposed with a quaint Belgian town, then assumed it was about two hitment finding a quaint Belgian town's odd underbelly. But then it started to choose a target. This movie is listed as a crime, comedy, drama – and it is all those things. Its humour is British, its violence is graphic, and its drama is oddly compelling. But I can’t stress enough about how the movie unfolds at a leisurely pace – not un-enjoyably but at times apparently aimlessly. I’m going to come down on the side of saying it is worth finding it in your local theatre or the rental store, and seeing it with an open mind. Just experience it. Don’t expect from it. Verdict: Movie Rental

Run, Fat Boy, Run

It's one of the oldest romantic comedy plots: wimpy guy leaves hot pregnant fiancee at the altar then decides to run a marathon to win her back. Okay, so that part may not be so common, but a lot of this movie goes precisely where you think it will go, and takes the exact path you expect it to. But even if you know where Simon Pegg is going, he just makes it so damn enjoyable to watch him get there. (I got a little geek-crush on the guy at the moment) I guess if you're not into his style, you may be underwhelmed with the movie. But if that's the case, that's your fault not his, isn't it? Verdict: Movie Rental

[edited b/c Zen is a geck]

Coming Attractions:

Watch this space for reviews on:

Run, Fat Boy, Run

21

Stop-Loss

just as soon as I see them!

You may also be able to watch this space for

Shutter

... depending on my mood.

The Mist

I love the fact that hotels now usually have movies-on-demand ... the only question remains: what do I wish to demand? When I'm kicking back on the bed in my hotel room, I don't wish to have to think about anything too deeply or really even follow along with any plot all that closely. So that leaves a comedy -- but I don't want to chance paying $9 to $12 bucks on top of my hotel bill for one that isn't actually funny -- or a horror movie. Given that I won't be following any plot all that closely, all I need is a few good scares, preferably not too gory of horror, and a bit of catharsis over the fact that what is happening on the screen isn't happening in my hotel room. So, Stephen King's The Mist it is!

I believe the true horror of this movie was meant to be the monsters the townspeople became as they awaited being eaten by the literal monsters, and that transition did provide just as much tension as knowing there was something in The Mist. As far as what is exactly in The Mist ... I think King changed his mind midway through. What attacked them the first time didn't really make sense with what we find out is in The Mist. And how they got in the The Mist ... and what the heck is the point of The Mist ... well, I was sitting in a hotel room, and as such, was personally obligated to not concern myself with such things. But had I gotten in my car, waited to get my tickets at the theatre, sat through the inane screeching of adolescent girls trying to catch the attention of block-headed adolescent boys (were we that useless when we were their age? I say not), and endured endless advertisements before getting overtaken by The Mist -- I may have concerned myself. Verdict: Movie Rental if You Must

The Bank Job

Supposedly based on a true story from the 1970s, a group of small-time criminals really step in it when they are conned into robbing a bank’s safety deposit box vault. Where’s a rag-tag gang of ol’ buddy crooks to turn when every direction leads them to a pissed off porn king, a drug-smuggling murderous Malcolm X wanna-be and Britain’s MI5 (or was it 6?) hoping to protect a certain naughty Royal? The movie runs longer than two hours (who knows just how long ... when the commercials outlast the previews, one loses track of how long one has sat waiting for the movie to start), and it did start to drag at what was probably the two-hour point, where I wondered how they were going to get out of their predicament but then realized I didn’t much care as long as the credits rolled soon so I could say I finished watching it. Aside from the lag, it was entertaining. Prepare for a late-minute lag, perhaps you’ll do just fine. Verdict: Movie Rental

27 Dresses

In general, this kind of movie isn't my bag of popcorn. We all know what's going to happen in the end, right? The best we can hope for is to be entertained as the movie-makers get us there. What kept me interested in this movie was the dialogue, actually. It was a little more ... sharp than other brainless romantic comedies. Quirky, left-of-centre, unique enough to be pleasantly noticable. If you're not one to care what is coming out of characters' mouths, then this would just be the usual fare. Verdict: Movie Rental If You Must

The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep

I know - this has been out for some time. Since Christmas, actually, which is when I saw it with my niece. Should have taken her to Enchanted. I was expecting some sweet and predictable E.T.-esque story about a boy and his Loch Ness Monster, where the boy learns that if you love monsters you must set them free to boost the Scottish tourism industry. What I got was armies and depth charges that drive monsters to the brink of insanity sharp-teeth-baring and require the naive love and trust of a small boy to return to its cuddly nature. It was a good movie, I thought, but the preview campaign really truly steered me in the wrong direction as to what to expect. And made me take my niece along for the ride. I asked what she thought, and suggested that it was a bit "darker than I had expected." She agreed that she could barely see in the theatre. (She's young. She's literal. It was my fault for setting her up that way.) Verdict: Movie Rental

Vantage Point

Excellent choice for a first movie post on A Skewed ReView, don't you think?

If you don't know, this movie takes an assassination attempt on the President of the United States and shows you the same period of time through a number of characters' experiences. On the one hand, I'm wary of movies that let me know they're going to be showing me the same thing over and over and yet again over (blame Groundhog Day, which really didn't know when to just give it up and get to the end of the movie -- definite perma-watch -checking). On the other hand ... Matthew Fox. Gotta give it a try.

Well done "Vantage Point". Interesting and exciting, seeing the same period of time from different points of view was actually entertaining and original. Verdict: First Run Theatre

Leap Day Cosmically Demands New Experiences

February 29th. A day that comes along only once in four years dares you to jump into something new and daring. Oh, don't get me wrong -- I always make sure to have my say when something's rattling around in the ol' noodle. The blogging thing? That's new.

For your amusement, I shall force upon you my impressions of movies I've seen. Or want to see. Or someone needs to make so that I can see. Fair warning: Just don't expect a lot of talk of character motivation or chances of the movie changing the world in one inspirational swoop. I'm rather lenient on plot holes too, as long as the movie continues to amuse me while it crochets its plot-doily. It's all about whether or not I check my watch during the movie or how often I roll my eyes at what I see and hear.

So let's tune in and see where it takes us. I promise you won't check your watch while reading my blog. The eye-rolling though ... bets may be off on that. To each her own.